Ten-four, ten six
Two years ago, I lost a friend. Their passing was surprising (as death often is), and it completely knocked the air out of my lungs. I couldn't even grieve. I cycled through a mix of emotions for months, primary of which were anger, confusion and sadness.
I was weighed down by guilt.
I knew this friend was struggling with life. They had shared their life's story with me, and I knew they were experiencing a lot of pain. I thought I was doing my best to be there for them: we spent a lot of time together, and we discussed a lot of things, most of them hovering around the spiritual and the existential.
My friend was grieving. They'd lost their mother, and had recently returned to Nigeria. A lot of change was occurring in their life all at once, and it made them prone to outbursts of frustration, and on more than one occasion they wept in my presence.
One day they told me they intended to end their life. They told me exactly how they intended to do it, and I said: "can I persuade you to stay awhile?"
They responded: "if you will stay with me then I will stay".
True story.
We saw Dune 2 together. We discussed the beginning of the Kendrick versus Drake rap beef. We discussed elements of neurodivergence. We discussed religion, the media and our place in the world. We discussed the trite and the momentous. We talked about everything possible.
We spent so much time discussing that I began to fall behind at work. (I must mention that this wasn't entirely because we spent a lot of time talking, but because work had become unreasonably difficult for me as well. I preferred discussing life with this friend to doing the job I was paid to do.)
Still...I started to receive complaints about my shipping speed at work, and started to worry that I would be let go due to (what I believed was) a glaring lack of focus.
I told my friend "I need to be away for a month to catch up with work. Just a month, and I will be back afterwards".
My friend said okay, that they understood.
I deactivated my social media accounts and focused on work. It was a chore. Even with all my distractions quelled, I could barely put in a solid eight hours of work.
Conversations with my friend reduced significantly in this period, but they did not stop entirely. Sometimes they'd tell me they were giving something away (a laptop, for example). I'd respond by saying: "that [device] isn't just a device to you. It contains memories. I think you should hold on to it". I should have taken it as a sign.
They told me they intended to backpack across Central America, and I thought that was a neat idea. Sometimes they had a rather upsetting day and needed to vent, and I'd be there to listen and encourage. However, our conversations were no longer as long as they used to be.
At the end of my self-imposed work-related social media hiatus, I reactivated my Instagram account, and the first message I received from a user was:
"How are you?"
"I'm fine", I said.
"Oh. Then you haven't heard".
Within a few minutes I was receiving news that my friend was dead. Nobody told me how they died (because, I assume, they didn't know or didn't want to upset me further), but I knew.
For days after that I'd receive messages from Twitter mutuals saying "[X] asked me to reach out to you".
"To say what?" I'd ask, tiredly.
"They just asked me to reach out to you. How are you doing?"
For two years (and some months) since this incident, I've not been able to shake off the feeling that they'd be alive if I hadn't taken that work break. I have been fumbling in the dark under the weight of that conviction. Shortly after the incident, I quit my job and life took on a surreal quality that I still haven't been able to get myself out of.
A lot has happened in my life since then, and I have come to understand grief a little more. Despair, too.
If there was something I wish I could tell my friend, it's that I get it. At least I think I do. Life can be unrelenting in its punishment.
My friend was born on October 6. Ten, six.
I wish I could tell them that I understand. That I could send them a radio signal. Message received. 10-4.
Ten-four, Ten six.